The womanizer
by The Sacred Pandapuff
Summary: Roy Mustang, age 29, single. This is a serie of his desperate tries to find his true love. Updated when I get ideas.
1. Dog

New fic. I WON'T FORGET PARENT'S RESPOSIBILITY, do not worry people. This idea just struck me and didn't leave me alone.

This will get updated always when I get an idea and feel like writing it down.

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

* * *

THE WOMANIZER**

_**Chapter 1  
**__Dog_

Roy Mustang was having a terribly problem. Yes, you read right. A terrible, horrible, dreadful problem. Like 29 year old men always had. Usually for the sake of think about something else except paperwork, but sometimes the problems weren't only that. Sometimes they were very personal, huge problems.

See, he got women. He got them from everywhere. While a walk in the park, during dinner breaks, while shopping for groceries. But somehow all the ones he got were… well, one night stands. Amazing, yes. Breathtaking, yes. Sweating… yes.

But he couldn't find his _true love_. At nowadays it was hard to find women he hadn't already dated. And all the ones he had had hadn't been anything more than… well, the one night stands. Damn when he circled.

So, he needed new tactics. New ways to find women, new ways to get their interest, get them attracted to him. But how? There must've been thousands of ways, none just struck him. And it pissed him off. God, he was 29! At this age he should've already found someone! But no. Old habits die hard.

He raised his head and saw Havoc standing in front of his desk.

"What now?" he snarled and rubbed his eyes. And yawned. Yes, we can't just forget to mention that not-so-attractive action he made. But why should he be attractive when the only person in the room was Havoc?

"Hawkeye told me to give you these papers", Havoc muttered while chewing his cigarette. Had Roy seen him ever without it? No. No one had. Havoc dropped the papers on his table. Tens of them. Damn it, more work.

"Good luck with it. Hawkeye wants them to be finished tomorrow."

"Shit. I got to hurry if I want to have any free time." He grabbed the papers and started scanning them. Nothing interesting. Damn he had a boring job. He had always thought that being a Colonel would be awesome and full of action. But no. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork and… yes, more paperwork.

Havoc was already at the door when Roy slapped his hands to get the man's attention. Havoc turned curiously.

"Hey Havoc, any ideas how to get women's attention?"

Havoc scratched his chin. "Not exactly. Having problems?"

"Major ones. I want to find nice and honest women. Do you know where they are or how to spot them?" He rested his head on his hands and glared at Havoc. Not that Havoc would've been an expert; he had no luck with women. But ideas from anywhere sounded good.

"Chief, what about getting a dog?"

Roy's eyes widened. "A dog? Why a dog?"

Havoc raised his shoulders. "Dunno. Women always come to talk to men who have dogs. They actually talk to everyone who has dogs. Always asking can they stroke or scratch them."

Bingo. That sounded promising. "Really? How do you know?"

"Hawkeye puts me take his dog on a walk. Says it needs more exercise than she has time for. Not that I mind, I actually got a girlfriend! She's so nice!" A wide smile rose on his face and his eyes glimmered. Roy decided to get rid of the man before a large speech.

"Thank you, Havoc. I'll get a dog."

* * *

There he was. He stepped out of the shop with a puppy.

The only problem now was that there hadn't been any dogs cool enough for him. Or if there was, they were all already taken. Just his luck. So now he had a pug.

Yes, people. A pug.

It was small, apricot with black snout and ears. It was already a little wrinkled and he knew that it was going to get a lot more wrinkled. It had this… pig tail. Some people called it shell-tail but he preferred pig tail. It was closer to the truth. The big, chocolate eyes were mesmerizing, though. Good so. And the breed had a noble history. Maybe women would like it.

Hopefully.

Damn Havoc for giving him the idea. Well, he had a dog now. Let's go to the walk!

"You need a name", he muttered as he walked and kept his eyes open for women. The dog dragged him forward cheerfully. People were smiling and… chuckling. He felt like an idiot. "Anyway… something that fits. Cute, macho. Something that women love. How about… Roger? No. Napoleon? No. Darren? Yes! You're Darren! And that's final!"

The dog barked cheerfully and peed to a tree. How charming. Did women really like these things?

"What a cute puppy you have there!" a brunette beauty said as she got up from the bench a few feet away and smiled warmly. Yes! A woman!

"Can I touch?" she asked. Her grey eyes made Roy melt. Yeah! Gentle, sweet, polite! A sex bomb! Her figures were soft and skin slightly tanned.

"Of course. Want to go for a walk?" he asked and bowed. He picked a flower from the ground and handed it to the blushing beauty.

"Oh. Well… yes, I guess that would be nice."

Good! Now the woman forgot the dog and looked at him! He was going to have a long night!

"So, what's the beauty's name?" he asked as he walked close to the woman. She was about head shorter than him, but he didn't mind. It was attractive! Well, almost every woman was attractive.

"It's Kate", she said and looked up at him. "What's yours?"

_What a voice of an angel! It's like a beautiful song. It's like a river, like a warm cup of coffee._

"Roy."

She giggled. "I like your name. Roy. Suits you."

Wait… did she just giggle? Why did women giggle? It was frustrating. But he decided to keep his mouth shut. Womanizer always knows what to say and what to _not_ say.

They walked and talked about random things for hours. Darren fell asleep on Kate's arms. Damn, Roy wanted to be able to do that too. The sun was setting down, the sky was like from a painting nobody would ever be able to paint. Too beautiful, too colourful, full of warm shades. Yes, Roy knew how to be romantic.

He grabbed her gently closer to him and kissed her. She tasted like… honey. Yummy, he loved honey. Many women tasted like honey, were they obsessed about it or what? Kate ran her hands to the back of his neck and pulled him closer.

At this point I have to point out the obvious: Roy was turned on.

"Want to come over my house?"

He considered a hungry and hot kiss as a 'yes'.

* * *

Barking. Cold.

What had happened?

Oh, how pleasuring the night had been. Kate surely knew how to make him happy.

Talking about Kate… where was she?

His eyes shot open. Kate's clothes, once on the floor were gone. He got up and searched the whole house. No one. No notes. Nothing.

Damn it. Seems like the dog got him just another one night stand.

Talking about the dog…

"Oh shit…" Roy snarled as he smelled the stinging smell of urine on his couch where the puppy happily sat and waved his tail.

* * *

Hahaha, poor Roy. I just love torturing him. I appreciate all reviews. Any kind of.


	2. Single parent

OK, people, here's the second chapter. And just to remind you, it doesn't usually get updated this fast. I hope you enjoy it.

**I don't own FMA.

* * *

THE WOMANIZER**

_**Chapter 2  
**__Single parent_

"So how did it go, chief?" Havoc asked excitedly as he slammed another pile of papers on Roy's desk. Roy snarled sadly. "Not so well then."

"Another one night stand. I want something… more", Roy admitted desperately. "Why can't I find true love?"

Havoc stared at him. True love? Was Roy ill? Well, it wasn't his business. "Bye, chief. Gotta get to work. Better luck next time."

The door closed.

Damn Roy's bad luck. Note to self: never ask Havoc again in these situations. Next time someone… who knew better. And that meant anyone except Havoc. Yup. Note to self finished. This time.

Riza stepped in the room.

Wait… Riza was a woman! She knew what women wanted! Bingo, this time he would make it!

"Hey Riza, any ideas how to find a true love?" he asked. Riza raised her head and looked at him disbelievingly.

"Just keep your eyes open", she finally said and started to polish her gun. Roy gulped. The gun. Luckily Riza was polishing it, not aiming his head.

"What do women like? What do they want? What is their dream guy like?"

Riza bit her lip. What a strange day. Nobody really asked her that kind of questions, which was good. She didn't like answering them. But Roy was the Colonel so she decided to at least try. "Many committed women like single parents. But you don't have time for that so-"

Roy stood up with a happy smile. "That sounds great! Though the progress sounds pretty long and hard. Do women mind if the kid is adopted?"

Riza blinked. _What the hell..?!_

"…I guess not. But Colonel, you're not seriously even consi-"

"Sounds perfect! Now I just need an orphan! Isn't this wonderful? A little kid would be too hard, it wouldn't be able to take care of itself and I don't have much time for that while trying to find love. So a teen-ager? Sounds fun. Someone with attitude. Small and cute, women will love that. Where's the nearest orphanage?"

The door slammed open once again.

"Hey Colonel Bastard, I've got the report." Ed dropped one single paper of his and his brother's three month trip on the table. "Until next time."

Small.

Attitude.

Cute.

Teen-ager.

Able to take care of himself.

_Bingo._

"Hey Ed, come over here for a second", he called for him. Ed looked at him angrily and suspiciously. Hawkeye lowered her head and shook it slightly while walking out of the door. Ed sighed.

"Bastard, I'm busy. And hungry. And worn out", he counted angrily but Roy stopped him with .

"I'm going to be your new father! Doesn't it sound fun?!"

Ed stared.

And stared.

And stared.

"Excuse me? Have you hit your head bastard? Should I call the nurses?!" Ed started yelling. Roy just laid his hand on the teen's shoulder. So cute. This was his saving angel!

"You don't have to worry about it Ed, I'll get the papers and with a few connections it'll be done in a few hours! I'm sorry that I can't adopt Al because I just don't have time and money for two kids and you look more adorable-"

"WHAT!? I DO NOT LOOK-! "

"-You'll be staying in my apartment, you have to be at home at eight o'clock-"

"What the fuck are you talking about?! I am not going to do this-!"

"-I don't have room for Al, he can stay at the dorms-"

"HEY BASTARD, STOP THAT, LET ME SAY SOMETHING TOO-! "

"You'll come and eat dinner with me at lunch break so we can get to know each others-"

"I'M DONE WITH THIS MADNESS!" Ed screamed and walked out of the door and slammed it shut. Well, actually not quite so, the door broke in to pieces as the young alchemist continued his run on the hallway.

"AT THREE O'CLOCK EDWARD! I EXPECT YOU TO BE HERE THEN!" Roy yelled after him. Some officers were staring at him curiously. He smiled to them. "He's going to be my son! Isn't he just adorable?" The officers eyes widened and they got away as quickly as they managed. The Colonel had gone mad. No one called Ed adorable. Especially not Roy.

* * *

Roy signed the papers while humming his favourite. Fantastic! So, women loved single parents. Now he was one! Ed was going to get used to the idea.

Talking about Ed, where was he? The clock was three already.

He got up and stretched his aching muscles. Then he walked out of the doorframe and stopped Fuery when he tried to walk past him.

"Hey Fuery, you seen Ed?"

Fuery shook his head furiously. "No. Haven't seen him since morning. Though I've heard that the city has came crushing down."

Roy stared. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"If you ask me, it means that Edward angry and destroying the city. At least it sounds like it."

"Oh. Thanks Fuery, I'll go and get him. He'll get grounded for troubling the citizens." He flew out of the door.

* * *

Roy jerked Ed from his ear. The teen was yelling furiously and his brother was coming hesitantly just after the two of them.

"AL! Free me, the Colonel has gone mad, please! You can't betray your brother!"

"…But he's a Colonel, brother…"

"I'll get Central's alchemists on work to fix this city. You've been a bad boy Ed-"

"DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE I'M A LITTLE KID! I'M FIFTEEN!"

"Fifteen? I thought you were 13… Would've made more sense…"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT PEOPLE AUTOMATICALLY BELIEVE THAT HE'S YOUNGER THAN HE REALLY IS!?"

Roy smiled happily. Al was stunned. Who could smile like that while his brother was yelling at them from the bottom of his lungs? The man had really become crazy.

"Well, we'll go and have lunch, you'll see your brother the day after tomorrow Alphonse-"

"What? Why then? What are you talking about?" Al asked scared.

"I adopted him and due to his performance in the city today he'll be grounded. See you later Al."

As the Colonel started dragging Ed to one of his favourite restaurants Ed kept crying after his brother.

"AL! YOU CAN'T LET HIM DO IT, COME HERE! ALPHONSE! AL! ALPHONSEEEEE!"

* * *

Women. Women were looking at him. Yes. This was good. He was getting attention.

And Ed was sulking on his oak chair.

"Aren't you eating?"

"I'm not hungry…" the teen snarled angrily. Though Roy didn't notice it.

"Hey there", he smiled to a staring woman. She smiled hesitantly and walked away. Roy blinked. What had that been?

"Hello to you" he said to another woman. She looked at him hesitantly and walked away as well. OK, now something was wrong.

"Good evening", he smiled to third woman. She looked at him weirdly. Almost like… suspiciously.

"Hey. You have the kid there."

"Yes. I adopted him. Want to have a drink?"

She looked at him angrily. "No… I don't think so. I don't want to hang out with men who adopt maniacs."

"Maniacs? Oh, he's not a maniac, he's a sweet kid."

"I saw him destroying the city. My roof is broken, it'll cost quite a lot to get it repaired. Bye." She walked away as well. Roy didn't even have time to open his mouth before all the women were gone.

Well, it seemed as women didn't like men who adopted crazy kids. Damn it.

Ed smiled evilly.

"YOU'LL BE GROUNDED FOR TWO WEEKS, EDWARD!"

* * *

Poor Roy, in this fic he has no luck at all. Njeh njeh.

Review... pretty please!


	3. Style and jewellery

Hello again, this idea struck me and I had to type it down. I hope you enjoy it.

**WARNING: **Nakedness and OOCness. Sorry people. Don't like, don't read. I'm doing this just for fun, this is not a serious fic.**  
**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own FMA. And I never will. **

* * *

**THE WOMANIZER**

_**Chapter 3**  
Style and jewellery_

"Heya Roy! How'ya doing?" Hughes yelled as he stepped in the office and took a picture from his pocket. "Aren't they so sweet? And Elysia has grown so much! I have the woman of my life! I have to angels waiting for me at home, isn't it touching?"

Roy raised his head sadly. "Mnnh. Touching."

"What's wrong Roy? I have more pictures. Maybe they would cheer you up! I can give you some if you want, no need to ask, I-"

Roy raised his hand to stop his friend. "No, Maes. What I need now is a woman. I need my true love. I want to have an angel waiting for me at home as well, not… a little devil waiting to kick my ass when I get home because locking the doors with complicated alchemy." He sighed. "Do you have any ideas how to find a woman?"

Maes scratched his chin. Then the lightning of an idea struck him and he raised his finger. "Change your style a little Roy! You look too tight and professional. You need to look sexy and charming! I'll help you, see you after work! Bye!"

Maes ran out of the room singing "YMCA" from the top of his lungs. Roy shook his head.

It was worth for the try after all…

* * *

"Don't you just love the outcome? No more 'working Roy' or 'normal Roy', now it's time for 'cool Roy'! And don't you just love my sunglasses? I got ones for Elysia too…" 

Roy looked in the mirror. Not bad actually. A buttoned shirt with collar was open, showing his well build chest. His hair was combed back and he had cool big sunglasses. And a lot of jewellery. At first he had been a little hesitant with them but at last he had fallen in love with the new style. He loved especially the big golden watch on his right wrist.

"Sure Maes. I'll go fishing some ladies! See you tomorrow!" He said, waved his hand and rushed to the streets. Maes was left looking for a new teddy bear to his beloved daughter Elysia.

* * *

"Hello, sexy" a woman said to him and took his hand. Oh yeah, Maes had good plans. 

"Well hello there", he said and bowed charmingly. "What is the young lady's name?"

The woman smiled gorgeously. "Rebecca." She straightened Roy's collar. "Want to have some fun?"

"I don't see why not."

* * *

They had been drinking in the bar for the last four hours. It had been amazing. Now they had somehow ended up on Roy's apartment all horny and wanting. Damn the human anatomy for letting him feel so good. But he needed more. 

They stormed into Roy's bedroom, clothes flying in the air, broken jewels falling to the floor. Hot kisses all over his body, god it felt good.

They were already in bed when the room's door opened and a horrified scream brought them back to the reality.

"ROY CAN YOU TAKE YOUR DATES TO SOME PLACE ELSE THAN THE ROOM JUST NEXT TO MINE!? IT'S HARD TO SLEEP WHILE HEARING THOSE VOICES! AND NEXT TIME, PLEASE WARN ME ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!" Ed screamed when he had turned his back at the door and slammed the door shut when he was finished. The woman looked at him angrily.

"I don't remember you mentioning about a son", she snarled. Roy paled.

"It's not what it looks like, Beckie!"

SLAP.

"I hope I'll never see you again. Stay away from me." Once she was finished with her clothing she stepped out. Roy followed her, still naked.

"Please Beckie, he's not my son-"

BOOM! The door slammed before him. And a scream behind him again.

"DAMN IT ROY, PUT SOMETHING ON! NEXT TIME YOU DECIDE TO WANDER AROUND IN THE HOUSE NAKED, PLEASE, JUST WARN ME!"

"EDWARD ELRIC, YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR A MONTH!!!"

* * *

I just love getting Ed grounded. So fun. Poor Ed went and caused another disaster. Not that that relationship hadn't been doomed already... poor Ed for his fresh traumas -manical laugh- 

Can you review? I'd appreciate it!


	4. A cook

I was reaaaally bored yesterday. I think you can see it in this piece of crack. **xD**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

* * *

THE WOMANIZER**

_**Chapter 4  
**__A cook_

Next breakfast Edward was sulking furiously as he heard the door of Roy's room open.

"You better have some clothes on this time, Colonel Bastard!" he yelled as he took a bite of a green apple. "And you better get red apples, I don't like these green ones. They make my teeth dry and then they let out an annoying noise."

Roy whacked his head still angrily and Ed immediately raised his hand. "CHILD ABUSE! THAT'S CHILD ABUSE, YOU BASTARD, I COULD SUE YOU!"

Roy's lip started trembling. "You wouldn't sue me, would you? I feel so weak right now… I have no one who loves me!" he yelled and started sobbing, leaving Ed look at him with wide eyes.

"Err… I… I wouldn't sue you?" he said hesitantly. "Really, Roy, you don't have to cry, I'm not going to sue you, I-"

"GREAT!" Roy yelled happily as he crashed to the chair on the other side of the table. Ed's mouth was hanging open out of surprise, the red shade that anger usually brought in his face already rising. Roy ignored it. "Then you can help me find me a lady!"

"You think I know anything about women!?" Ed screamed. Roy's smile didn't fade.

"But Ed, you have so many girls after you! There's Winry, there's Rose, there's god knows who and there you sit, still single! What do you think they want from you?"

Ed stared. "They're all friends, Roy."

"That's what you think, that's what you think", Roy said making Ed blush furiously. "So, what _can_ you do so well that you have all those chicks around you?"

"…I'm a good cook?" Ed said. Roy clapped his hands together happily.

"That's it! Women love men that can cook! You're going to be cooking tonight, Ed! I'm going to get a woman here and offer her a home made lunch, I'll of course say that I'm making it, and then when she's waiting in the lounge or wherever she decides to be I'll just sit in the kitchen while you cook! Doesn't that sound great?"

"Why do you think I'd cook for you!?" Ed bellowed. Roy smiled widely.

"Then you won't be grounded anymore. Then you can go and see Al. How does that sound?"

"…Bastard!" Ed hissed as they clapped their hands together. "But it's only this time."

"Yes it is. I promise."

* * *

"Hurry up, Ed! Quicker, quicker! She's waiting and she's starting to get bored!" Roy complained as Ed ran around in the kitchen trying not to burn anything and to remember to add everything in the right kettles. He growled.

"I'm going to blow up soon if you aren't shutting your mouth, bastard! You can't expect me to be quicker than I already am! I feel like going crazy!" the boy complained furiously as he took the spaghetti and handed it to Roy. "Take that to the table. Out of my way!" he said and ran past him, holding a half-made apple pie.

"But Ed, she's been here for fifteen minutes! Fifteen minutes! Think about it!" Roy complained. Ed turned to him.

"You telling me I'm not quick enough!?" Ed yelled.

"I'm telling you that you are so short that it's unbelievable how the time you need for cooking seems to be so huge!"

Ed grabbed a knife from the table. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE'D DROWN IN A GLASS OF WINE AND RUIN YOUR DATE!?"

"You! And where _is_ the wine?" Roy yelled back. Ed screamed as he grabbed the apple pie to his another hand.

"YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT, MUSTANG!" he screamed and Roy finally realised that it was the time to run. He fled.

"STOP IT, ED, I'M SURE WE CAN SOLVE THIS! STOP IT!" he screamed. They arrived to the lounge where Roy's date, a short woman with blonde hair and huge grey eyes turned to see them.

"…Roy?" she asked as Ed threw the pie towards Roy's face, hitting the target.

"…Who is this child?" she asked. "You didn't mention about him."

"I'M HIS COOK! AND HE DRIVES ME CRAZY! I SUGGEST YOU TO GET AWAY BEFORE YOU END UP AS HIS COOK!" Ed screamed and threw the knife to the wall behind the woman who's eyes widened. She ran.

Roy wiped pie from his face. "EDWARD, YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR A YEAR NOW!"

* * *

I like ending the chapters with Ed getting more and more time grounded. Oooh, how _evil_ I am.


End file.
